Email on Evil and Me

This is an email that I sent to my brother who had written about some concerns he had for me. This was originally written in July 2020. 

Glenn,

Here’s your question. Am I happy? And you are asking me that because what you sense in me is telling you that I’m not. So, how shall I answer? 

I think that it would be helpful for me to explain two essential qualities about me. First, I am someone who is given to deep thinking. This is not just a personality trait but also something that I enjoy doing. So, I work at understanding the roots of ideas (where they come from theologically/philosophically) and the fruits of ideas (how they will affect people, especially those who are unaware of those ideas). Second, I am also someone who is emotionally tuned to the evil around me. By that I mean that I will notice what is wrong before I notice what is right. And while there certainly are some pitfalls to avoid here, being aware of the evil can be a strength. A group needs those who are uplifting and encouraging, people who quickly notice the good. But it also needs those who point out the evil and warn about it. That’s me. 

I think that it is because I am pensive and attuned to evil that you picked up on what you did. 

Anger: Yes, I can be angry. Being angry at evil because of the terrible suffering it causes is good and right. 

Pain: If seeing evil torment people does not result in some pain, then the suffering of others is not really understood. 

Sadness: In the beginning God had declared that all that He created was very good. But since then, we have introduced such wickedness. Doesn’t sadness at this make sense? 

Now, while there are strengths and benefits to others in being pensive and sensitive to evil, there is danger there also. I am quite sure that if Jesus had not rescued me from my sin, I would have fallen into despair many years ago. And to be honest, He is not finished rescuing me. I am sometimes too pensive, too dark. But He’s been working on that. I know that I will experience more progress. 

So, back to that question: am I happy? 

If, by this, you mean, am I happy in the way that a more light-hearted person would be, then the answer is no. I am not built that way emotionally. Others are, and that’s great. But I do think that I can say that I am happy according to my personality. I can say that because I enjoy a deeply satisfying sense of contentment. I can say, without hesitation, that my life is good. It is really good. 

And the reason for this happiness: I know God.

I enjoy a very deep communion with God as my loving Father. Because of that, I trust Him implicitly. He has never failed me. 

I am committed to Jesus, and He is committed to me. And He is busy working His plan, a plan to restore the world (including me) to its original pristine state (and better than that), something that I am convinced He will accomplish. 

The Spirit of the living and true God lives within me. That means that I am never alone. There are times when I am confused about what is going on and not at all sure what I am to do. But even then, I know that the Spirit will lead me through all of that and into a place of clarity. 

So, though I am given to deep thinking and sensitive to evil, I am filled with a very optimistic hope. My God intends awesome things for me in this life as well as the next, and there is no doubt that I will experience them to the full. And for that I am so grateful to Him. 

I know that I have gone on for quite a bit, but I wanted to be clear. Thank you for caring enough to reach out to me. 

Leon