Where My Thinking Has Been

I wrote to a friend yesterday. It seems to sum up a lot of what has been going on with me, so I thought I'd post it. 

+  +  +

I’m glad that you wrote. I had been telling myself that it was time for me to write to you. Your email finally got me moving.

The news about [a mutual friend from way back who has fallen into immorality] is sad. I have not seen him in over thirty years so the emotional punch hits you much harder than it does me. But, it’s always sad when people exchange true bliss for something that cannot satisfy, not really satisfy. And yet, it really is understandable. We are a culture of lonely and confused people, looking for something to fill the void and provide some answers. And sad to say, the Church these days, generally speaking, isn’t dealing with this very well. Is it any wonder, then, that so many Christians are just as lonely and confused as their neighbors?

On to something more pleasant. My summer has actually been quite good. And I think that the reason for this is that I have been challenged and the Spirit has used that to bless. I think one way to summarize this is to talk about two books. The first is Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture by Adam McHugh. This was very helpful for me because it told me that it’s okay that I am an introvert, even though much of my church experience has been oriented toward extroverts. So, I now understand that pressure that I have felt to be someone other than I am. The book helped me to become more comfortable with who I am. It has helped me to understand how I, as an introvert, can still be faithful pastor. The other book is The Pastor As Minor Poet: Texts and Subtexts in the Ministerial Life by M. Craig Barnes. (I’m still in the middle of this. It is like a rich dessert for me. I have to consume just a little at a time so that I can digest it well.) This book is redefining what it means for me to be a pastor. It takes nothing away from the stress that my theological training has placed on the Scriptures. It just tweaks how I study the Word and communicate what I find to the people of my church. It understands the key place of the pastor in a more subtle and nuanced way than I have encountered before. A quote:

One of the reasons that people need pastors is precisely because God is always present but usually not apparent. It takes a poet to find that presence beneath the layers of strategy for coping with the feeling of its absence. Thus, the parish minister's soul becomes a crucible in which sacred visions are ground together with the common and at times profane experiences of human life. Out of this sacred mix, pastors find their deep poetry, not only for the pulpit, but also for making eternal sense out of the ordinary routines of the congregation.

I think that one big thing that I like about this book is that it talks about the soul. Reformed Types, what I was trained to be and was for too long, misunderstand the place of the mind. Changing the mind has been seen as the goal. Dealing with the mind is very important. But it is not the goal. The mind is a path to the soul. This book is helping me to see that more clearly.

In different ways, both books are feeding something that has been happening to me over the last few years. I am reacting against Reformed culture. Not Reformed theology, but the culture that has grown up around it, at least in my experience. The exclusivism, the sense of superiority, the ungracious arguments, the pride. Out of these sorts of things comes a religious system that must be protected and advanced, instead of a walk with Jesus that can be enjoyed. The study of theology is a crucial, even necessary aid in this. But it is a means to an end and not the end in itself. So, I am also reading a little of Calvin’s Institutes each day along with bits of the Westminster Shorter Catechism and Confession and appreciating the wisdom that I find. I still relish Reformed theology. But it’s some of the Reformed pastors that I have a hard time with.

Out of this I have a thought for you, a suggestion. [I offer this with some trepidation. I don’t know your situation at all well. And, to be sure, I am not you and what helps me may well be totally unhelpful for you. But here goes.] What if, instead of branching out which you mentioned, you spent more time reading and thinking about being a pastor, about the things that are going on in your own soul, about different aspects of the Scriptures that you haven’t had time to pursue before? (Here, to be honest, I am here reacting to something else: pastors being too busy with secondary things. Result: they don’t have time to develop as physicians of the soul.) The only ministry thing that I do that is not directly related to being pastor of FRC is that I lead devotions once a week before lunch at the local rescue mission. I have told myself – and others – that my goal is to be the best pastor of FRC that I can be. As a result, there is developing in me more depth than breadth. And I think that this is from the Spirit. Again, this is me and not you. So, I could be totally off base. But what has been happening to me has been good and it is showing in my relationships with the people. And while we are still 55 people on a Sunday I sense progress.

Well, that is more than I planned on writing, but I hope that in some way it will be helpful to you.

I pray for you each week and will continue to do so.